In Defense of Our Boys

 In 2017, after Trump was inaugurated the 45^th President of the United States despite the scandalous sexual harassment evidence of his odious behavior towards females, the MeToo Movement exploded in America and spread throughout the World. I walked in the Seattle Women’s March, part of the five million women who stood up and said, “We are not going to take it anymore!” Women effectively used social media to build a platform for public reforms in the attitudes and behavior of many males towards females. As I commuted into Seattle two hours a day by ferry, there was ample opportunity to discuss current events with my bike buddies on the boat. Men under the age of forty were surprised that women had experienced such direct assaults in the workplace and in their personal lives. With each commute on the Cathlamet or Chimacum, my salon of younger men sat in my booth or adjacent to it and asked questions. For these were males who understood how adverse older men had made the lives of their mothers, wives, sisters, and girlfriends. They wanted to know the facts so they could be better men for all of the women in their lives. They were also concerned about a potential backlash towards them because of the message these leaders were sending.

 Fast forward five years, Biden has been president for two years, and though public discourse has improved towards females, very little improvements have been made in the lives of women. The United States is the only major industrial country which lacks mandatory paid maternity (family leave), affordable child care, and universal health care. The dialogue may have improved, but the circumstances for families, especially working-class families have changed little. Harms done to the families from lack of affordable childcare, adequate health care, and paid family leave hurt the children even more than their parents. Youth are our most precious resource for they represent our investment (or lack thereof) in our collective future. Boys suffer just as much as girls when their mothers can’t find work, are home alone as latch-key kids at far too tender ages, go hungry, are unable to access health care, and all manor of social circumstances that harm their physical, social, and emotional development.

 As a feminist mother I realized that our zeal to change public discourse into a more egalitarian society has now become an over correction harming the other half, our boys and men. It is now assumed that girls are better students and boys must take medicine to “behave like the girls in school.” This attitude has resulted in fewer boys believing they can go to college and master academic work than in the past. Young boys coming of age have much less confidence now than their fathers. There are so many positive messages for young girls now, but fewer for boys. It is just assumed that boys will work and fulfillment of their dreams is not mentioned with as much urgency. Girls are now told they can choose between motherhood and a career, but what choice do men have? Boys are expected to grow into stoic hard-working men, to serve society without complaint, regardless of the difficulty of the task. Yet, boys and men are constantly assaulted with negative messaging about men. It has to be exhausting to constantly feel under attack regardless of one’s individual character. We must change this trend to become more inclusive to the feelings and perspectives of our boys as they become men.

 In 2022, I pursued conversations with men of all ages about their experiences, as fathers and as single men, in today’s environment and here are some of their observations;

 Male aged 25- “There may not have been economic parity for older women, but women are much more likely to earn wages equal to men for similar work now. This changes the power dynamic for dating, men are not expected to pay for everything.”

 Male aged 25- “Women have all the power in obtaining and consenting to sex. Men just put themselves out there and hope to be selected. Men must deal with a lot of rejection to find a woman.”

 Father aged 47- “My son deals with reverse discrimination now, for being male and white. It is no longer assumed that his future is as bright as his was. Young men have to deal with much greater complexities social-emotionally than their fathers.”

 Single father aged 49- “The courts have changed so much, tilted in favor of women. Even if the mother is a bad mother, it is very difficult for a father to be given custody of his children. My lawyer has said there is no hope that I can retain full custody.”

 Married mother of a 16-year-old son- “My son said to me, Mom, it is so much more complicated now than when you were in high school. All you needed was a car and you could get a date. The level of permissions and scrutiny is much greater for our sons. Everything is geared toward the protection of our daughters but what about our sons? “

 Married 70-year-old retired master carpenter- “We are made to feel like we aren’t worth as much if we don’t go to college. This is wrong we need people working in the trades, craftsmen are dying out in this country.”

 Musician-in his forties- “It is hard to be a man now, thank you for your words.”

 The vast majority of men and boys are not the problem, but if we are to have a successful pluralistic society we need to train and support all of our children to communicate in a respectful manner, which means being heard, having empathy, and not making assumptions of inherent value. Harming half of the population will not make for a great society. The truth is, we need each other for different but complimentary purposes, as we always have. We have made much progress in our new way of seeing the male female paradigm, but we still have work to do.

 The Better Men’s Club™ started as a response to misogynistic actions by men in power, but let’s put that into perspective and recognize that we have created many better men already, in our sons, partners, friends, and even fathers. I would not have been able to achieve many of the milestones in my life without those good men and for them I am grateful. As we seek peace and understanding in the new year, I hope we can listen to all voices with equal respect and empathy.

 And this is the healthpolicymaven signing off wishing you informed healthcare decision making through better transparency and public resources.

 Roberta Winter is a health policy analyst and freelance journalist who has continuously published this column since 2007, when her brother died from complications of type I diabetes. She is the author of a guidebook to the US healthcare system that was published by Rowman & Littlefield in 2013.

https://www.amazon.com/Unraveling-U-S-Health-Care-Personal/dp/1442222972